I don’t feel connected. What should I do?

Feeling lonely? It turns out, you’re not alone.

Searches for “how to make friends” reached an all-time high on Google Trends in May 2023 according to a Bloomberg News post. The article pointed out that Google Trends, which tracks the frequency a term is searched, showed that searches for “how to make friends,” “where to make friends,” and “where to meet people” had reached a record high that year.

Feelings of loneliness have become bad enough that, last year, the U.S. Surgeon General released a report declaring loneliness and isolation an “epidemic” and an “urgent public health issue.”

You may be experiencing the same things in your life. So, what should you do when you don’t feel connected? As one of the Missions Hills staff who works with our Groups ministry, I get this question a lot.

So let me ask you a few questions:

1. Who do you already know?

I once met with a coach who helped me with a life and career plan. I told him I wanted some deep relationships over a long time, so that when I was in my 50’s and 60’s, I could still call them up. They would truly know me, even if we had moved far apart, because they had known me for 20-30 years. I wanted friends who cared about me, who had known me through the years, who deeply understood me. He pointed out the obvious:

Those people were probably already in my life.

Instead of looking for someone new to come along, I had to stop and look around at who was already in my life. If those relationships were not as strong as I wanted them to be, why not?

I have not always been good at calling a friend just to catch up. But if I wanted deep, meaningful relationships, that needed to change. I started calling and texting some long-time friends even though they now lived in different states or countries. It turns out they wanted the same thing: strong relationships over time, but they weren’t good at making it a priority either.

We all want the same thing, but none of us are very good at asking for it.

Who do you know who might become a good friend? Who is already in your life? Who might also want community, but is waiting for someone else to ask?

2. What have you tried?

Too often, I receive comments or feedback that someone has left their church because they didn’t feel connected. My first reaction is always to ask what they did to try and find community at their church. Far too often, the answer amounts to “nothing.”

Have you tried joining a small group? A bible study? Are you serving somewhere in your church? Who was the last person you invited to lunch or coffee?

At a large church like Mission Hills, it’s easy to fly under the radar and not make meaningful connections. To show up, sit in a service, and walk out. If you want to stay unknown, you can do that. But if you want to find community, find people to connect with, or find like-minded people on mission with Jesus, you have to take the first step. Consider joining a group or a serve team as an attempt at connecting with people!

3. Are you willing to make the first move?

Have you ever pulled up to a four-way stop at the same time as someone else, and neither of you were sure who was supposed to go first? And you sat there awkwardly waiting to figure out if you should go first while the other person did the same?

So you’re both just sitting there…awkwardly.

We can be like that with our relationships. We want friends to spend time with. We want people who want to walk life together. But we are all sitting there, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

I still remember the day I met my best friend in elementary school. I had just switched schools, so I was the new kid. It was the second day of 2nd grade. We walked out of the classroom for recess when he came up to me and said, “Hi, I’m Kyle. Do you want to play together?” I agreed and we immediately went off to play on the monkey bars. It was that easy.

We weren’t best friends that day, but that’s how it started. Kids intuitively get this. As adults, we can over-complicate simple things. Now you probably aren’t going to ask someone to go play on the monkey bars today (though if you do, please tell me about it). But sometimes finding community is as simple as asking. Even if it feels awkward!

Recently, my wife and I sat next to a couple at dinner. A few weeks later, we saw them at church again. Separately, we both identified them as people we might enjoy being friends with.

So what did we do?

Actually, for a while we did nothing. Because as I said above, we adults tend to overcomplicate things. But after a while, we just asked them if they wanted to grab dinner (this is the adult equivalent of “do you want to go play on the monkey bars?”). Now we are working through schedules to find a time that works for four working adults with multiple kids. But it’s worth the effort, even if they don’t turn out to be our best friends.

Saying “hi” to someone is not as weird as you think!

4. Are you waiting for “perfect”?

We often bring past relationships and experiences into our new relationships. Many of us will reject a new relationship if it doesn’t check all the boxes of our old friendship. I have seen people go from group to group, rejecting each one after a single meeting because it wasn’t “easy” and they “just didn’t click” the way they wanted in that particular social setting. But 99% of relationships don’t work that way.

Great relationships take time. Best friends, even just good relationships, don’t happen overnight. They aren’t “microwaveable.”

That’s one reason most of our groups at Mission Hills operate on a semester schedule. We encourage people to join a group and commit to at least a whole semester. Give it a good shot before deciding it’s not for you. Commit to coming to every meeting that semester. Then, even if it doesn’t work out, at least you gave it a real effort.

If you are waiting for the perfect group or the best friend that is exactly like the one you knew in high school, then get used to waiting.

If you are looking for a group and can’t find the one that is exactly what you are looking for, we invite you to prayerfully examine your assumptions about what group is right for you.

Are you looking for a perfect fit that may not exist? Does God have a plan for you that involves you learning from people in a different situation or stage of life than you?

It’s not always easy, but God often uses new and different experiences to move us into the next step in our faith. Maybe God is calling you to something new. Something different. Don’t wait for “perfect.”

If you are looking for community at Mission Hills, you can browse our groups in the lobby of our campuses and online during Group Link weekend on August 17 + 18. Or if you are interested in providing community and relationships for yourself and others at the same time, come talk to us about hosting a group.

GRAPHIC CREDITS

Maddie Brouwer
Communications Coordinator