Marriage + Mental Space

If your brain was a house, what room would your marriage reside in?

It may seem like a strange question, but let me explain. Marriage researchers have found that the quality of a couple’s marriage often depends on how much mental space they create for their spouse and relationship. This is a concept they have labeled “cognitive room.”

After learning about “cognitive room,” I remember speaking with someone requesting help for their marriage. Needing to collect some basic information, I requested their spouse’s date of birth. They paused and then admitted they did not know. It was easy to develop a working theory for why their marriage was having trouble. I remember thinking that if this person’s mind was a house, their marriage lived in the broom closet.

God Designed Marriage to Take Up Space

Just being in a relationship does not mean you know someone well. Imagine someone saying “I am a parent, therefore I know my child well,” or “I am a Christian, therefore I know God well.” I doubt many of us would agree that is enough.

Likewise, believing you know our spouse well simply because you are married can be a costly error. On the other hand, knowing your spouse deeply – their wants, wishes, likes, dislikes, nuances, and needs – can make all the difference in trying to develop a close, vibrant, relationship.

God intends for your marriage to take up a lot of mental space. He designed this multifaceted relationship to be characterized by oneness, an intimacy where husband and wife both know each other deeply and are deeply known (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:6). This design is meant to reflect the kind of relationship God wants to have with you.

Just think about it. God took the initiative to know you deeply. Psalm 139:1-3 says “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.”

In the same way, a vibrant relationship with God means increasing our mental space for him. Jeremiah 9:23-24a reads “This is what the Lord says: “Let not the wise boast of their wisdom or the strong boast of their strength or the rich boast of their riches, but let the one who boasts boast about this: that they have the understanding to know me.”

Remodeling Your Mental Space

How far you go in your marriage will be directly tied to how well you know your spouse. So let me ask my question again:

If your brain was a house, what room would your marriage reside in?

If it is a large, prominent, room in your mind, well done! Keep growing in your knowing.

If you would say your marriage does not have the room in your mind that it should, take this as an opportunity to remodel your mental space. Take the initiative to learn more about your spouse. It doesn’t need to be formal. To start, try making a list of 10 things you would like to know and sprinkle questions in over the course of the week.

Need some help? Consider ordering 101 Conversation Starters for Couples by Gary Chapman and Ramon Presson.

If your spouse asks “Why so many questions all of a sudden?” just tell them you want to love them better by knowing them more. Who knows, maybe they will return the favor! Either way, you will know more. And in marriage, the more you know the further you’ll go.

Interested in more ideas to help your marriage? Check out our list of resources from our Care Ministry!

Need some additional support?

Whether your marriage is a solid “8” and you want to get to a “9” or you’re stuck on “2” and wondering if you’re going to make it through another year, Re|engage is for you! This group offers hope to marriages by helping couples move toward oneness through stories of grace.

✏️  AUTHOR CREDITS

This blog was written by the Mission Hills Church Care Ministry.